I live amongst retarded people. Really I do. I wouldn´t end up in discussions like these otherwise. (I, of course, am practically a saint. Goes without saying. And guess what? Nobody ever says I AM a saint, so I am right. Although life would probably be nicer around here if they did. Must see to that. Where do I apply for a dictatorship vacancy?) Ok, here they come:
neighbour: Did you see or hear anything last night?
me: What should I have heard?
neighbour: Noises. My bike was stolen. Dammit dammit dammit!
me: Oh, I’m sorry. But no, I didn’t hear anything.
Neighbour: If I’d seen them I’d have punched them in the face. Dammit! I don’t have money for a new bike!
me: Or you could go to the police.
neighbour: Nahh…Dammit, and I’d only had it for a couple of months! AND there was a bike seat for my kid on it too! I am so tempted to steal a bike too!
me: Well, go to the police, otherwise you’ll make someone as angry as you are now.
neighbour: I can’t. I stole the last one too.
Neighbour kid (who isn’t that bad really) is playing with his football. Between two rows of houses, with about ten meters between them. My front windows are under permanent football-attack, and every ‘goal’ scares the hell out of me. I’m not even sure he doesn’t do it on purpose, although I often get a loud SORRY!! but then I already had a heart attack. By the way, there are about two soccer fields around the corner, as well as a park.
me: Hey there. Could you maybe try not to kick that ball against my window?
neighbour kid: Don’t worry. I’ve been doing that for about ten years and nothing’s ever happened.
Me: Would you mind lowering the volume of your stereo a bit? Only I’m working and well, the bass…
Neighbour: Put some headphones on.
The neighbours got a baby. They have already given it premature deafness I guess, but at least they don’t smoke in the house anymore. Instead, they hang out of the window and throw their cigarette butts in my back- and frontyard. Does my frontyard spell ashtray or what? Time to take a binliner and get rid of the butts and other scrap.
neighbour: no point doing that.
me: doing what?
neighbour: cleaning up. It’ll blow right back in from the street.
me: well, if everyone thinks like that it would look worse than it is now, right. By the way, would you mind not throwing your cigarette butts in my garden?
neighbour: well, I try to aim for the street but sometimes I miss.